After Nothing Read online

  I stared at her stonily.

  ‘Natalie, it was five years ago. I know you’re over it or you wouldn't have talked to me just now.’

  I remembered Lisa and gave a short nod.

  Melissa smiled. ‘Does talking to me mean you’re done with the whole “fuck off and don’t come near me” thing?’

  I had to search a moment to find Lisa’s response.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Not just to me,’ said Melissa. ‘I mean to everyone?’

  ‘Yes, I’m done being like that to everyone.’

  ‘Okay. Now, don’t get me wrong. Your hair is good, and it goes without saying that how you look is unfair to every other girl at school. But, Natalie, your makeup is bad today. Why are you wearing that lipstick? Who told you it was your color? It makes you look like you’re twelve.’

  ‘It was just one I found at home.’

  ‘Throw it away,’ said Melissa. ‘Are you a lesbian?’

  Her question momentarily stunned me. I said no, because I was pretty sure Lisa wasn’t a lesbian. I hadn’t actually gotten round to contemplating it for myself though, so I might have looked a little confused.

  ‘I’m just asking,’ said Melissa, ‘because no one owned up to that vampire bite you had a while back. It went around school that a girl did it. You didn’t hear that?’

  ‘No, and it was a guy.’

  ‘Who?’

  ‘If he didn’t own up to it, I’m not going to.’

  I was back to being me. Defensive. Mean-sounding.

  ‘So he goes to our school?’

  I tried to start over. Placed Lisa in the forefront of my mind.

  ‘How are you, Melissa?’ I asked, as sweetly as I could.

  ‘That’s so nice of you to ask, Miss Kempe. Especially seeing as we’ve had so many classes together, and yet never in the past ten years have you inquired after me.’

  ‘You talk so much, it’s hard for anyone else to.’

  That was not a jibe Lisa would make. I sighed in annoyance at myself, but Melissa just shrugged it off.

  ‘I’m important. People like to hear what I say.’

  ‘That’s true. You make everyone else too scared to speak up because no one’s as smart at you.’

  I was being Lisa-honest and trying to give a Lisa compliment at the same time: I’d got it wrong. Melissa’s reply was also honest.

  ‘Fuck off, Natalie.’

  ‘That came out wrong. I meant, you’re so brainy no one else can keep up.’

  Melissa looked at me through narrowed eyes for a long time, and then seemed to make up her mind about something.

  ‘Does the new you want to come to a party with me tonight?’

  I was screaming ‘No!’ But the Lisa in me said, ‘That sounds fun.’

  ‘Fun? For you? I doubt it, but come anyway. Come over to mine whenever; we can get ready together.’ She took her phone out of her bag. ‘What’s your number?’

  Melissa was how easy it was to become part of my peer group again. For so many years I had been out, but one party with Melissa had me back in. My new Lisa-driven personality helped with my reintegration into ‘normal’ society. I was nice to everyone. Sometimes I even wanted to be around me. The other thing that helped was my own Natalie appearance – especially with the guys. Letting them actually talk to me opened up a previously unknown world. Guys wanted me. Like, in a really obvious way. Some of them would straight up tell me.

  I had choices. I had choices of other girls’ boyfriends. The first time that happened it was Natalie, not Lisa, who was shocked. While I was still reeling, Lisa stepped in and gently, with a smile, and a little bit of flirting so he wouldn’t be offended, turned him down.

  I don’t know what I thought would happen.

  For two weeks, my phone had constantly been ringing. Every day I got invitations to places, to parties. Dates with guys, which I said no to; shopping dates with girls, which I said yes to. We’d talk – a lot. And about nothing. We’d paint each other’s nails, read trashy magazines, do online love quizzes together, try on each other’s clothes, Instagram shitty selfies. Make popcorn. Laugh. Text. And text. And text. Lisa loved it. But it wasn’t easy shutting me down – silencing my negative thoughts and looks and observations.

  It wasn’t like everyone pretended the pre-Lisa version of me hadn’t existed. Some did, but the more honest ones didn’t. There were joking comments made, and serious ones as well. Some people said how glad they were that I was feeling better about myself.

  Melissa was the only one who did not buy into me as Lisa. The weekend before we started back at school, when we were hanging out in her bedroom painting our nails the same soft pink, she said to me, ‘I don’t think it’s that easy to change who you are, Nat.’

  I didn’t answer. I was feeling tired, and my Lisa reserves were low.

  ‘You know that, right?’ added Melissa. ‘Just don’t fall big.’

  ‘I won’t,’ I said.

  Junior year. I looked for him that first morning. The seniors were back the same day. I was hoping and hoping that he’d be at his locker, but at the same time I was telling myself he wouldn’t be.

  He wasn’t.

  For the first time in all my years at school, I was sitting at a table in the cafeteria with a group of people who wanted me to be there. They were talking to me as though they knew me and I belonged with them.

  But Kane’s absence had changed it. I didn’t want to play the stupid Lisa game anymore. That’s all it was – a game. I picked up the apple on my tray and thought about throwing it at something.

  Then one of the girls said, ‘Check it out. There’s that’s kickboxer. I’ve never seen him in the cafeteria before.’

  ‘Oh my God, he is so fine,’ said another of the girls.

  ‘Yo, that guy is badass,’ said one of the boys.

  ‘No shit,’ said another. ‘I’ve seen him in a street fight. He was fucking king. Took out three guys, one after the other.’

  It was Kane. Tall, dressed in a grey t-shirt, black low-riding shorts, and black and white Air Jordans. They were new. A fresh buzz cut had his hair close to his scalp, and he was scouring the cafeteria with his eyes. They locked on mine, and his expression changed from tense to angry.

  ‘Holy shit, is he coming over here?’ said someone.

  ‘Nat?’ questioned Melissa, as Kane approached, his jaw set and his eyes still locked on me. The rest of the table suddenly looked at me, and Melissa said my name again. I was watching Kane though. I looked up at him as he came around to my side of the table. Leaning over me, he planted a hand beside my lunch tray and stared into my eyes.

  ‘Who the fuck are you?’ he said.

  ‘Hey, leave her alone, man,’ said one of the boys, standing up.

  The boy who said he’d seen Kane in a street fight grabbed him and dragged him back down, saying, ‘You don’t want to do that, dude.’

  Kane glanced at them for a brief moment, and then no one said anything. He looked pretty threatening. First off, he was angry as hell. And then there was the cut above his left eye, and the bruising underneath it. His bottom lip looked like it had been split not so long ago and was only just starting to heal. I didn’t feel threatened though, just glad to see him, and happy that he’d come to find me.

  ‘You’ve been away,’ I said to him.

  ‘Get up,’ barked Kane.

  I got up.

  He picked up my bag and slung it over his shoulder, before taking my hand and leading me outside.

  He stopped walking a dozen feet out into the quad. He dropped my bag and said, ‘What the fuck are wearing?’

  I was wearing a baby pink blouse that had belonged to Lisa, with a grey and pink checked pleated skirt, and a pair of ballerina shoes. I had long gold earrings in my ears, freshly reapplied makeup on my face and a pink headband in my straightened hair.

  The last time Kane had seen me, my hair had been an unkempt mess that was a cross between curls and knots, and I’d been wearing a f
ake leather miniskirt, a ripped black cotton top that hung off one shoulder and scuffed black boots that laced up to my calves. My only makeup had been black eyeliner.

  ‘Lisa …’ I began, quietly.

  Kane swore, and walked a couple of steps from me. Then, coming back, he said, ‘Nat, you gotta cut that shit right now.’

  ‘Okay.’

  ‘Can’t handle that shit.’

  ‘Okay, I’ll stop.’

  ‘These her clothes?’

  ‘Just this,’ I said, plucking at the blouse. ‘I bought the rest.’

  ‘And you sitting with them, why?’

  ‘Because Lisa would have.’

  ‘You are fucked up, girl,’ he said softly.

  ‘Can we go somewhere else? Everyone’s watching.’

  They were: both in the quad and through the cafeteria windows.

  ‘You wouldn’t give a shit about that,’ said Kane, studying my face.

  ‘I do a bit. And I mean me, Natalie. It’s nothing to do with Lisa. Please, Kane. I just want to talk to you without anyone else around.’

  We went to the storage room at the back of the gymnasium. The squeak of shoes, the bounce of the ball on the old basketball court and the calls of the players reached through the wall, muted but audible in the dusty air.

  ‘I got a cell phone,’ I said to Kane.

  ‘What’s up with you?’ he replied.

  ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘Wayne said he saw you. Said you were outside my room every day till he told you to go away.’

  ‘I wanted to see you. Were you away fighting?’

  Kane nodded.

  ‘Doesn’t Wayne go with you?’

  ‘He on parole,’ said Kane shortly. ‘Can’t leave town. You been with any of those guys?’

  ‘One,’ I said quietly.

  ‘You fuck him?’

  ‘No. Just kissed. I didn’t like it anyway. I’m sorry. It’s just … Lisa would have liked him.’

  ‘Natalie! Fuck! She’s dead.’

  ‘I know. I just wanted to see what it would be like. To be like her.’

  ‘Don’t do it again. It’s crazy.’

  ‘Kane, I said I won’t. Just stop talking about it.’

  I walked over to the desk we always had sex on and sat on it. I pulled the pink headband out of my hair and tossed it to one side.

  ‘You get tested?’ asked Kane.

  ‘For what?’ I looked at him confused and then realized what he was talking about. ‘I didn't. I didn’t even think to.’

  ‘You ain’t caught anything off me.’

  ‘You got tested?’

  ‘Yeah. I’m clean. For everything.’

  ‘I’m sorry, Kane.’

  He came closer.

  ‘That was shit, Nat.’

  ‘I know. I’m so sorry.’

  Kane sat down beside me.

  ‘Are you going to want me again?’ I asked, looking at him.

  ‘Might.’

  ‘So, not yes, and not no?’

  ‘Might more than want you, but I ain’t got time for your fucking crazy.’

  ‘Are you always going to bring that up now?’

  ‘What do you expect?’

  ‘I want you to forget about it.’

  ‘You told me to hit you.’

  ‘You treated me like nothing.’

  It was an accusation. Tears welled in my eyes. ‘I’ve never been close to anyone.’ I looked down at my hands. They were shaking. Kane’s arms went around me. He didn’t say anything. But he was warm and he smelt good. And after a short while he kissed me. Not demanding, or wanting more, just a simple, plain, perfect kiss. When he released me one of his hands entwined in mine.

  ‘Did you win some fights while you were away?’ I asked.

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘How many?’

  ‘All of them,’ said Kane, as though it was no big deal.

  ‘That’s good, Kane.’

  ‘Yeah, it’ll shut Wayne up for a bit.’

  ‘Were you with other girls this summer?’

  I wasn’t even really thinking about it when I asked. It just came out. I would have taken the question back but then Kane released his hold on my hand.

  ‘Who have you been with?’ I asked.

  ‘No one.’

  ‘Who?’ There was a waver in my voice.

  ‘I didn’t know you’d been waiting outside my place, Nat.’

  Tears pricked at my eyes.

  ‘Just tell me.’

  ‘We weren’t together over the summer,’ said Kane. ‘You hooked up with someone else.’

  ‘I know that. Tell me who she is?’

  Kane looked away, his eyes casting around the dim room.

  ‘There were a few bitches round is all. But no one like you.’

  It felt like someone was both twisting and squeezing my heart simultaneously.

  ‘You slept with them?’

  ‘I didn’t take any risks with them, Nat,’ he said, reaching for my hand again.

  I moved away from him, slid off the table and went toward the door.

  He followed me, and said with increased urgency, ‘We weren’t together.’

  My throat hurt, and hot tears spilled down my cheeks. I stopped just short of opening the door. I couldn’t go outside. School was outside. The world was outside. I didn’t want to be in either.

  ‘Nat?’

  ‘How many girls were there?’

  ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘You don’t know?’ I said, choking on the words as a sob broke through.

  ‘I’ve been away for two months.’

  ‘So? You can’t remember?’

  ‘It don’t matter how many there were. There ain’t any now. That’s what matters.’

  ‘I can’t.’

  ‘Can’t what?’

  ‘It hurts.’

  ‘I didn’t know you wanted to be with me, Natalie.’

  We stared at each other. I could tell he wanted to touch me, but I didn’t give him the opportunity. Instead I used the backs of my hands to wipe my eyes and then folded my arms across my chest.

  ‘Just tell me, Kane.’

  He did. I felt sick. He’d been in all those other girls, touching them, talking to them, kissing them. I slid down the closed door, huddled against it. I covered my head with my arms and sobbed into my knees.

  ‘Nat, you kissed someone else. You could have slept with other guys.’ That just made me cry harder. ‘Not that I would have wanted you to,’ said Kane hurriedly. ‘I’m glad you didn’t.’

  I kept on crying.

  ‘Fuck,’ said Kane, and then crouched down in front of me. ‘I didn’t know them, okay? I was trying to forget about you. Couldn’t though. Baby, you know how we left it.’

  ‘I didn’t leave anything,’ I sobbed. ‘You left it that way. You didn’t even tell me you were going away.’

  ‘I didn’t know I was going away. I weren’t even fit enough to fight, but that’s all I wanted to do after you told me why you were with me. I was into you, Natalie, and it was like you couldn’t have given a shit about being with me.’

  ‘No. I wanted to be with you.’

  ‘That ain’t true and you know it.’

  ‘Why’d you have to sleep with so many girls?’

  ‘They were there, you know? ’Sides I hate being alone.’

  ‘You never told me that.’

  Kane moved so he was sitting beside me. He leaned back against the door, the bruising on his face emphasizing his weary expression.

  ‘I stay busy, and then it’s alright.’

  ‘Your uncle made it sound like you’re not allowed people at his house.’

  ‘He always wants us to keep a distance from other people. But I never felt like that ’bout you. I wanted you there. Thought you wanted to be there, though. If you said you just wanted to fuck and that’s it, I would have just fucked you here at school. But you always wanted to come back to mine. I mean, I ain’t complaining I got you all those
times. You’re beautiful and everything. It’s just I thought you wanted to be with me.’

  ‘I do.’

  ‘So we start again now.’

  He put an arm around my shoulder, but I shook my head.

  ‘It hurts too much.’

  ‘What does?’

  ‘You. I know we weren’t going out, and I know what I did. I just couldn’t feel that it was wrong at the time. And now I feel like what you did was really wrong. Like you betrayed me.’

  ‘Being betrayed hurts,’ said Kane matter-of-factly. ‘Even more than being hit.’

  I was crying less now, and felt a new heat of humiliation rise up my face.

  ‘I’m sorry I asked you to do that.’

  ‘That’s not in me,’ said Kane. ‘To hit you. I mean, I’m pretty sure that ain’t in me. And Nat, you can’t want to be hit. Not really. Being hit – like, hit hard – it fucking hurts. Worse even when you got no way of defending yourself. Even sometimes if you feel like you want to be hurt. Nat, that shit’s not for you. Ever. Don’t go looking for it.’

  He still had his arm around me, and I leaned my head on his shoulder.

  ‘You okay?’ he asked, pulling me closer.

  ‘I know you didn’t really betray me.’

  ‘I don’t know,’ said Kane. ‘Think I knew I was gonna come back and try and start something again between us. I mean, I’m still into you. Don’t know how I’d stop being into you.’

  ‘You really think I’m beautiful?’

  ‘You know you are.’

  ‘People like different things.’

  ‘Yeah, I can’t stand this bangin’ body of yours.’ Kane wrapped a hand around my knee and then ran his fingers up the inside of my thigh. It tickled and made me squirm. It wasn’t the first time he’d teased me, but it was the first time it felt familiar.

  ‘You really waited at my place all those times?’

  ‘Yes. I just kept wanting you to come back, and you didn’t.’

  ‘Here now.’

  6

  It was different with Kane now. Neither of us could shut up when we were talking to each other. I don’t even know what we talked about some days, but he was always making me laugh. I could just think about him and I’d smile, and he could just give me a certain look and I’d laugh. I hadn’t been too familiar with my own laugh up till then. I liked it though. I liked the sound of it. I liked how it felt when it kind of gurgled up inside of me, and then burst out. I liked that my laugh automatically made Kane laugh.